On my draft, it has been said that I need to do some rearranging of paragraphs to help my paper flow better. Along with this, I also need to make the transition between each paragraph smoother. In my conclusion, I ended with a question. It was suggested that instead of this, I should end with a statement or at least an answer to that question. It was also suggested that I can introduce Alexander into my introduction. I could give a sentence or two about Alexander and introduce what some of the words or concepts are that I had brought in. It was also said that I could rearrange some information in certain paragraphs and put them into other paragraphs to help with the understanding.

Body

• Make sure conclusion hits every bullet point on the conclusion handout.
• Transition paragraphs more smoothly.
• Connections at end and beginning of paragraphs.
• Rearrange paragraphs in a sequence that makes sense.
• Introduce Alexander earlier on
• Not introducing the same topic over and over.

• Paragraph 1– Gee and Sarah Robinson

  • Reintroduces the question in introduction
  • Brings in Gee and some of his ideas (explains them and cites them — Good!)
  • In the beginning of the paragraph, gender and race are mentioned pertaining to the idea of primary Discourse
    • This does not relate to what the paragraph is really about
    • Could have opening sentences about Gee’s ideas about PD and then go in with Sarah, bringing it back to the main idea of the paragraph
  • KEY IDEA: depending on your background one could have a harder or  easier time with literacy acquisition
    • Add in is it positive or negative example
    • Next paragraph could be negative

  Paragraph 2– Alexander and Dora & Raymond

  • Introduces gender and race making literacy acquisition possibly harder for one or the other
  • Introduces Alexander’s idea of what outsider literacy narratives portray and then cites it
    • Give an explanation about this quote and its significance
    • You just jump into the story about Dora and Raymond, so give significance first and then connect the two
  • KEY IDEA: Gender, race, and overall background can affect your literacy acquisition

Introduction

• Make sure introduction hits every bullet point in the introduction handout.
• Introduce Alexander into the conversation, one or two sentences.
• Give brief descriptions of certain key terms.
• Do not just jump on different terms or concepts, transition them more smoothly.
• Incorporate data from DPCC sheets along with any other extra literacy narratives that were used.
• Add a title.
• Has some of the aspects from the “How to Write an Intro”
  • make sure it has all of them incorporated
• Introduces Gee and Brandt
  • Introduce Alexander, you use some of her terms but do not introduce Alexander herself
• Explained a key term here and there
  • Some terms are left unexplained, should you explain them here or is it okay to leave for later?
• Introduces main idea about environment affecting literacy acquisition
  • Is there a place to introduce the “can you be your own sponsor” aspect? Or should it wait for later to help with the main idea?

Local

• Check for sentence fragments.
• Check for run-on sentences.
  • These two I tend to struggle with.
• Edit signal phrases so they are not just plain and simple.
• Use voice markers to introduce the topic and give a stance on where I am on the topic.
• Add pivotal words.
• Review correct usage of words (eg their, they’re, etc).
• Have someone read paper to you and find where things sound off
• Works Cited page!!!